That's all, folks!

It has taken a few days, but I feel like I've mostly recovered. The fact that I haven't finished cleaning my room of the debris from the festive season and the packing efforts of two trips out-of-town hangs over my head, yet I feel I'm making inroads. But earlier this afternoon - stretched out on the lawn under the shade of our jacaranda tree with my lunch, the warm summer scent of green things on the breeze, my cat lying on the grass next to me and peanut butter dripping off my toast onto my knee - I think my system finally realised: I am home.

It occured to me that many people may have assumed there were no more posts to come, so I have no idea if anyone is still checking this (except probably Mark; hola, Mark), but I felt I had to wrap it up properly. Now seems a good time to do so.

I like being home; I like the familiar trappings and spending time catching up with family and friends. It is nice and comfortable at the moment. Of course, what I don't want is to slide back into things so easily that I don't do anything with what I experienced and learned. I trust God that this is trip to Chicago was a first step toward serving him more substantially with my life, and certainly not an end in itself. I believe he will show me where he wants me to go from here, and I pray I will eagerly step out in faith when he does. In fact, I made a deal with God to that effect - that if he would clearly show me where to go, I would obey - which is what sent me to Chicago in the first place.

So I will be keeping watch for the next step. On the flipside, it is easy to become impatient with God. I find I often want to say, "I'm ready, God, let's go!" - but I know this demand comes from haste and ignorance. God knows better; God will tell me when I'm ready, not the other way around, and I'll go nowhere until he lets me. In the meanwhile, I can either exhaust myself trying to make headway that I can't make on my own, or I can wait on his good timing and learn to be faithful in little things before he entrusts me with big things.

I know that people who will follow the Lord and do his work must always be prepared to undergo change at his hands; to be refined like silver and gold. In the months leading up to going, God had been highlighting a few things in me which needed to be broken down and remade in his image. I am too self-sufficient, too defensive and proud to receive from people; and I am not very gentle - I have a "hard edge", as a good friend has observed to me.

God gave me some strong object lessons about these things in the few weeks I was in Chicago. First, he rebuked me: Jesus was not too proud to receive from people. God brought the story of the woman washing Christ's feet with her tears (Luke 7:36-50) particularly to mind. He was not embarrassed to accept what she did for him, but gave her dignity in the way he received. By refusing to need or accept other people's help, I am devaluing them and robbing them of the opportunity to demonstrate God's love to me, and I am diluting our relationship. This is not what God wants.

God pointed out that I also try to be self-sufficient because of the fear of needing something from another and not getting it. But pretending not to need anything is not the solution; neither is going around and demanding things of others to meet these needs. The key is to trust God that he will meet my needs perfectly, in the perfect way - through others or not. God's asking me to trust in his goodness and faithfulness. I believe that through this God will also address the issue of my "hard edge"; as I become less defensive I can become more gentle.

So that is just a few of the things God has been showing me through all this. There has, of course, been much more - but I tried to confine myself to the central stuff, as I see it. And that, for the moment, is that - until I see you, or go on another of these trips, or start my own actual blog, or something. It has been fun to bring you along on this part of my journey with God, and may he bless you in yours.

Nina May

Last post from the US of A

After I got back today I spent almost the entire evening procrastinating before succumbing to a whirlwind of purpose and packing in about an hour. This is my last night to be up late, typing odd thoughts, in Chicago - although I can guarentee with great certainty it will not be the last night I ever spend staying up late and typing stuff.

Having said that, I'm not going to spend very long on it tonight. There is nothing big pressing on my thoughts from the day, and all the other things - things God has taught me through what I have experienced and observed - I would like to leave until I have the time and emotional energy to invest in it, to do it justice. There is all the "leaving" things: saying goodbye and getting a photo or two, all the kind of routine stuff that you need to do. And then of course packing, this evening.

I very much enjoyed spending time with all these people, intense and short as our time getting to know each other had to be. Somehow when you only get snippets, it is easier to appreciate how remarkable people are than when they are around all the time. As one of the people I met over here observed, it is the worst bits of the US that gets exported to the rest of the world. Whatever you think of the USA (I am trying to avoid the word "America" out of respect for the Canadians and Mexicans, and the whole Southern continent, while we're at it) and its manifestations around the world, the people here are warm, genuine and generous. Well, I mean, some of them are a little crazy, but that's the case everywhere.

So I will try to get some sleep in deference to the fact that there's a lot of flying to be embarked on tomorrow and I don't slumber well on planes. Goodnight!

Art Therapy Theory 101

Let me rattle off a few names for y'all.

Dali Pollock Rothko Monet Seurat Degas Manet Cezanne Tolouse-Lautrec Rodin Degas Van Gogh Constable Turner Singer Sargent Giacometti Kandinsky Man Ray Miro Brancusi Picasso Matisse

Now: guess what I did today.

The Art Institute of Chicago is a big museum - I mean big. And it is a terrible thing to wander an art museum with a ticking clock in your head. However, I managed all those listed above and a great many more in about three hours, which is all I had. It is not the method I recommend, but if it's the only one you've got, go at it as hard as you can. I felt like I was almost jogging through the last lot, many of their works lingering in my head like brilliant moments of colour and form - which perhaps has some appropriateness to it after all. I did enjoy myself thoroughly.

There were far too many things to mention, so I will say the highlight - despite some pretty good sculpture - was when I walked into a room and found myself surrounded by Monets. I mean, I walked probably three-quarters of the exhibits, and no one makes light play like he does. It's like he had a tube of it in with his tubes of paint, and he just squeezed it out onto his palette and mixed it in with his colours. His paintings glow.

I do, however, have to take a moment for Ben and Penny; there was a whole room full of weapons (swords and axes) and plate armour (field and tourney) which was just cool upon cool, although most of them were from the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries, which I know is a little later than their area of interest.

This afternoon Karmen, the kids and I finished up our sculpture project with them painting their figures. The colours red, blue and purple were especially popular. They seemed to have really liked doing sculpture and making bobbly or skinny little people, and their personalities are very distinct in their work, which is one of those things that I always find exciting about art. Another thing that I love about it - which came up tonight when discussing art therapy - is that in the act of creating something, a person is tapping in directly to a characteristic of God. Creativity is in us because we are made in the image of God, the Creator.

I will say right now that I don't know exactly why art, and creativity generally, has theraputic qualities. I have not studied it and I don't know the wisdom of our age concerning the practice of Art Therapy. But in my own musing on the subject, I have come to believe this has something to do with it - we are exercising something of God in us. I have not heard a good explanation of the inspiration, the compulsion, to make something out of basically nothing - to take blank canvas and dollops of paint, or any rude lump of matter, and bring structure, meaning, beauty and order into existence - except that "the muse moves us". Of course, this can equally well apply to any branch of the arts. But whatever form it takes, we have within us a desire to create, a need to describe and communicate, and a drive to defy the universe's slide into disorder and entropy. Take that, second law of thermodynamics!

We were talking about how even though there is an element of "therapy" in exploring the issues of what is being expressed in the art, there is a deeper therapy that occurs simply in the process of creating. Karmen talked about how she could see it, sometimes, when the kid is "in" it - when they are totally absorbed in what they are making. I know, from my own experience, that the head, heart, senses and hands somehow merge very naturally into a kind of wholeness, in which the piece takes form. It's not perfect, sure, but there is peace in its wake. I can't conceive how that could not be healing.

I think a lot of "Art Therapy" probably has to do with creating a context where the person feels comfortable and free to play, explore, fail, create and enjoy themselves - things that come naturally to children, but which are trained out of us as we grow. I believe many people need permission, reassurance and encouragement to break the habits of conformity and the fear of failure. As Karmen said, when we "play" in this way, we are operating on a different level, beyond words. Things we don't know how to describe, or even how to face, are given a unique avenue of expression, and they can then be addressed consciously. Of course, this is all just theory at the moment, and I am keen to investigate it in more depth and discover how things work in the world outside my head. Meanwhile, I will continue to revel in spinning vision into substance.

It is late, I am tired

Once again I get home too late to be able to write sensibly. I've had a few deep and involved conversations today, and I feel a bit like I have run out of words for the day. However, one of the things I feel like God keeps reinforcing to me is how important relationships are. He created us as relational people; our relationships affect us powerfully, good or bad. It follows that how I relate to people is of utmost importance, both for them and for myself.

I have learned something while here about how I function in relationships with people, which I feel deserves rather more time and brain-energy than I can give it tonight. God has pin-pointed some areas within myself that I have to surrender to him, trust him with, and let him refine or heal. This is all part of becoming someone who can approach people and relationships the way God wants me to. It is a little scary and painful, but mostly it is exciting, because I trust what God is doing with me, even if I don't always understand it as I go.

I feel like I am slowing down with the sheer weight of experience from this trip - and also recovering from the sore throat/cold that I've had. I would like to write more, but I am finding I need to simply be still and contemplate, process. I am sure that I will have a great deal more to say afterwards, but for the moment I am over and out.

Official notice

There is no post for Sunday due to technical dificulties. This does not mean just laziness.

A sensible bedtime is good for the soul. I assume.

I was going to post more substantially, and earlier, but all of a sudden a party came at us, out of the clear blue sky (actually, it's been raining all day), and I tagged along. It was loud, but pleasant, and I had some good conversations with people; but I was glad that we only stayed an hour or so. We have been out and doing so much almost every evening that both Karmen and I needed to get to bed on time for once. We are tired.

I don't know - all this partying and ice skating and general jollification - is that young Nina doing any ministry at all, or is she just enjoying herself? Quite a bit of both, actually. Thank the Lord that he wants our serving of him to be fun, rewarding, enjoyable, and conducted in fellowship with each other - as well as hard work, stretching and challenging. Hey, even the hard work can be fun under these circumstances!

The conversations I've been having with all types of people have been really great, supplementing the actual ministry work I've been doing with insights as to ways in which many other people serve God in their lives. And I'm always reminded how much bigger God is than what I understand. Also, it's been opening my eyes to how very important fellowship is, in so many ways. So often I fall into the trap of thinking it's all about me and God in this journey of mine, when of course it's not; a huge part of my journey is us and God. The irony is, I suspect I'm not alone in this trap.

There's also this whole riff happening in my head about how my trying to worship and serve God needs to be in fellowship with others and not kind of on my own - because he is so big. I can try to glorify him on my own, but I am only one facet to reflect his glory back to him. To truly glorify him, I need to be one facet in unity with many others. Only then can we achieve the fire of a diamond - not yet flawless, but that will come. Right now we are a broken brilliance, but only together can we reflect his glory in a manner that is even approaching being worthy of him. And, what's more, our very unity brings glory to God, as it says in Romans, quoted in an earlier blog. Well, I guess that's obvious when we look at the flipside, when we see how disunity amongst believers reflects on God in others' eyes.

No doubt that's full of theological faux pas, like I'm not supposed to refer to the body of Christ (the collective believers throughout the ages) as a shiny lump of compressed carbon, and I should know better, or I left something vital out. I stand ready to receive biblical admonishment; apply below. No time-wasters. The judgement of the referee (Christ) is final; no further correspondence will be entered into. (Actually, if time-wasters want to comment, they are equally welcome; I was just trying to sound official and stuff. I've got a partially blocked nose at the moment. I'm just trying to prolong the moment before going to bed, because I really don't like trying to sleep with a blocked nose. It's on my list of top-ten things things I won't miss when I get to heaven, if I had such a list and if I'd actually thought before I typed it, because now that I think about it, there's pain and war and abuse and genocide and the shards of broken people and relationships and communities cutting people up all everywhere... This is a very procrastinative parenthesis, I am tired, and I am now getting a little silly, and making up words, which perhaps I shouldn't, and it is time for me to go to bed. Blocked nose and all.)

The only sensible way to end this is to say: Goodnight.

What I've learned so far, in brief

It looks as though that one snowfall in the first week is going to be all I taste of a genuine Chicago winter; the forecast for the rest of my last week is more of this beautiful, (relatively) mild weather. Despite not having crazy weather stories, a la the Ukraine team, I think I'm satisfied; besides which, the junior teen group went ice skating downtown this afternoon, and it was glorious. Cool but not too cold to skate without a jacket, a delicate blue sky above with smatterings of clouds catching the setting sunlight, and a chill breeze from the direction of Lake Michigan sweeping through at times. I'd forgotten how great it is to ice skate outside!

Every now and then, people here ask me what I've got out my trip so far, and I'm glad to be able to give them an answer - particularly since I was, at points, asking God the same thing. In regards to the doing something issues which were cropping up occasionally, God unexpectedly gave me an answer a few days later. He suddenly said, "This is not your ministry, Nina; this is part of your training." I realised that here, in Chicago, was not where he has good works prepared for me to do (even though I am participating in the good works of others), but where he is preparing me. Since then I have barely even thought about it.

And I also started paying more attention to internal stuff; not just what I was seeing and understanding, but also how those experiences were affecting me, changing me. I realised that one of the key reasons God wanted me to go overseas instead of just jumping in to something at home was for perspective. It seems obvious now, but seeing the problems and the various approaches to ministry over here is giving me a new view of things at home. Especially when they ask me about something (often the situation of the Aboriginals) and I've really had to rack my brain for a decently informative answer. As often happens, having to explain something to an outsider helps you see it from the outside as well, re-examining all the cultural assumptions you'd been unconsciously working with.

As to why God brought me specifically to these people in Chicago, I don't know - but I'm glad he did. This is a very interesting group of people; and I know I've said it before, but seeing how they really live within the community they seek to serve and minister to is very enlightening. I've enjoyed getting to know each person, each distinctive personality. It's also good to observe how they work together, complimenting and supporting one another's abilities, even though they are, in some ways, very different from each other. Not to mention how inclusive and generous they all are.

So, yes, God is teaching me plenty - and I am sure there is more to come. I suspect I will be learning from this trip long after I get back to Australia. Oh, and that's another thing I've learned: how much I really like Sydney weather.

Actually a short one this time

Tonight really will be a short post; I'm quite tired and I have a tiny little sore throat that I don't want to get worse through lack of rest!

Quickly, then: Today the church hosted a food distribution morning, with a view to making it a regular, monthly event. They partner with the local police station, and are supplied by a Chicago organisation (the name of which temporarily escapes me). Along with helping the community with food, the police want to use it to hand out information and literature about all kinds of abuse, self-protection and so on, and letting people know about evenings and courses the police run.

The church used it to begin an initiative discussed only the week before, of a prayer outreach, where they would ask people if they have anything they would like the church to pray about. A week or so later, these requests will be followed up, to see how the situation is and if they should still be praying. And if the church can do anything (which they often can't - a lot of the time is "pray for my mother's health" or something of that nature), they can meet that need. I personally think it's a powerful idea on many fronts, and so asking the people coming to the distribution if they had anything they wanted prayer for was a good start.

I don't think I need to point it out, but if you want to pray for any of those things, that would be wonderful. And now, to bed myself!